Pregnancies - are not all the same

It has been two months since the birth of our second child. Two and half years since the birth of our first child. The two experiences couldn't have been more different. Yes similarities for sure, but the way I felt inside, the way I experienced the mental side of the pregnancies were 100% different.

I was at work, teaching yoga and felt the only way to describe how I was feeling was to use the nauseous. Without thinking, I said this to my co-worker (a beautiful early 20 something University student) who quickly replied "You're pregnant'. I stopped dead in my tracks, what was the date. Did I miss my period? Is it possible, after months and months of trying and not trying...Did it finally happen!!?!? Fast forward to making Baby number 2 attempt one. BOOM the next morning woke up feeling 'nauseous'. It happened that fast and I knew right away!

I felt great for both of my pregnancies. With of course your standard morning sickness, food aversions and your constant need to pee, it was all good (I had gestational diabetes for the second pregnancy, food controlled insulin levels until the last two weeks). The big differences occurred for me inside. How I felt about my changing body, how I viewed the changes to my life that were going to happen, and the level of confidence I had in my ability to be a mom.

With my first child, Ella, I was confident that I had the intelligence to keep the kid alive and loved, but to be able to produce an intelligent, well rounded individual is what kept me up at night. They say how much all of this is determined within the first few years, if not months of life. That is a lot of stress!!

With my second child, Dylan, I felt completely competent. I rarely have questions, and when I do, my husband will normally be able to help. This level of confidence I strongly believe has come from two straight years of crying, cooing and an incredible number of diaper changes. I have learned that no matter how 'prepared' you feel for your first child, experience is the only thing that will give you confidence to listen to your inner Mom. That instinct we so quickly dismiss. These I believe are the teachings we have learned from watching other moms, our own included, from babysitting, observing and learning always. Subconsciously or consciously...doesn't matter. A wealth of knowledge is inside ourselves.

I didn't realize how big this was until my husband and I were chatting and he confessed to being jealous. He said, I could hear a cry from a 100 miles away and know exactly what our child needed. He said I had this strange ability that he just couldn't understand. Intuition is deep within us. This maternal instinct is beautiful and should be valued above anything else. Trust in yourself and remember to be true to your values.

I lost all of values and confidence at some point after the birth of our first child. Ella meant the world to me and I felt like things didn't add up. How could I be so lucky!? She was perfect...I didn't feel worthy.

I have one picture of myself doing yoga while pregnant with my first child, simply because I was less then weeks along at this point, and didn't know yet!  Soon after I was so uncomfortable with the changes to my body that I avoided pictures. I have a few, not many.

With my second child Dylan, I felt beautiful. Strong and capable. I couldn't wait to do a photoshoot with my growing family and growing belly.

We had a ton of fun at the shoot.


I am so very lucky to have a family that enjoy doing yoga as much as I do. Well, Ella currently loves doing some poses from time to time, but my husband loves it.

Next post will be about labour and how yoga philosophies helped.

Amhimsa

How is it possible to love a sport that involves so much violence and still believe in the importance of ahimsa? Non violence is such a large part of yoga; to one's body, one's inner thoughts and one's actions. How is it possible to believe in the importance of this and yet still love hockey or football?

I have been struggling with this lately. Especially during football season. My husband and I have been watching football together since we starting dating and for the first time I have been resistant. I enjoy it, but I would rather go read a book or do something else. I have been trying to be better at ahimsa and I find it a contradiction to go and watch hours of fast, hard hitting sports. Yet I do enjoy them...

So you see my dilemma?








My love of sports (hockey and football) truly has not changed however I struggle with the level of importance it has on my life. When we spend all Sunday essentially in our TV room watching football and eating crappy food. (Yummy...half the reason I enjoyed football at first was the food!) Now we are  vegetarian, and I am trying to get my yoga on as much as I can while I am 22 weeks pregnant with our second child. Where do I have time to waste on things that do not fit into the life plan?

How does one enjoy football or hockey while staying true to their beliefs about violence? Do I really want my child to grow up in Canada and not play hockey at least once to see if she likes it? I grew up playing hockey and it helped shape the women I am now? Does that mean I am a bad yogini? These contradictions are constantly arising and its how we handle them that really matters.


What if I take Non violence to mean I don't watch action movies or any tv show that have violence in it? How extreme am I willing to let this go?



For now, this is still debating in my mind. I think I will enjoy the time I have to watch some football and hockey. Reminding myself that no one is trying to injure the other team. Physical contact does not equal violence. Taking each decision as the moment arises and limiting just how much I allow in.

One day at a time!

Namaste

Just one of those nights....

Last night was just one of those nights where no one got any sleep. Not even the dog. We tossed and turned and when one settled the other fidgeted. Then finally in a great spot, nice and comfy and the baby wakes up. Not just a slight toss and turn cranky, but full blown fever and needing some snuggles. At this point it is 12:30 am and all I can think of, "I teach in less then 6 hours".

When my alarm went off at 5:17am all I wanted was another 5 hours of sleep...is that too much to ask for?? By the time my husband and I settled our poor teething baby girl it was after 2. Then my asthma decided to kick in and keep me up until 3:30. Lots of fun....the whole not breathing really made me happy.

So, on my way to the gym and made the conscious effort to wake up and get happy and energized because the last thing I would want to do, is start someones day off wrong. Turned up the music and started singing!!

Class went great! Lot of energy and happy sweaty people.

When I got home, my plan was to crawl back into bed next to my hubby and get some sleep. The funny this is, when I got home, I just wanted to have some water and sit and enjoy the silence. The quiet of the morning when nothing is happening. No one is demanding my attention, the only sound is nature all around and the peace and quiet is astounding.

It brought back memories from training when one of the instructors talked about how every morning she would wake up early in order to have her morning tea by herself. At the time we all thought she was crazy. I think I am starting to understand.

That being said 2 hours of sleep just wasn't quite enough to get me through my day, so I ended up going back to bed for a power snooze.

Great start to any day....YOGA at 6am

Its funny sometimes how a slow subtle change over the course of 5 years has created incredible  changes in ones life. When looking back on the effect it has had on my life, I am still in awe. I can still remember the day when my good friend had finally convinced me, after 4 months of bugging, to take my first hot yoga class.

Looking back now, I know that when I walked out of that room, exhausted and sweaty, I was changed. Right down to my core. Whats amazing is how after 5 years I am still learning, and still discovering more.

She told me, what to wear and what to bring. She explained what it was going to be like in the room, and not to talk. I walked into that room a young women looking for something to replace the amazing workout I used to get from hockey, and I walked out 5 years later a changed women.

I know a lot of people would read this and think that this is a load of shit. I understand why. I mean, how on earth could one experience change you that deeply. The tricky thing about yoga, the practice and the theory, is that it goes deeper then the skin and muscles. It enters the mind through the subtle teaching of the instructor (breathe work, patience, practice, cleansing, stillness etc) the life lessons you learn form what you learn in the room in astounding. You can always notice when you have a breakthrough or an advancement in the yoga that it transcribes to the something outside as well. Sometimes sublte changes in behavior are noticed and sometimes more grandios such as large life alterations like turning vegan.


Now of course life happens and many situations have played a factor in how I live my life today. However, yoga has been the driving force. The beam of light if you will, that has guided me and kept me strong. The subtle teachings have guided me exactly where I needed to be.

Right here...


I am a simple kind of girl. I like chocolate, love my family and friends, and enjoy getting my sweat on at yoga.

I have spent a lot of time sitting and thinking. Realizing that I can not do this all on my own and figured out that talking things out really helps me. I think my hormones are starting to balance and I am slowly coming back to being just me.
I had a hard time being so blatantly honest in my last post. I felt very ashamed and nervous to release all of that information out into the world. (Even though I know I have an audience of one...  :) )

Admitting that something isn't quite right is hard, let alone admitting that you need help. I have told my parents. Iwas nervous that they would somehow think that this is their fault or take the blame in any form. But I do feel its important as part of my heeling to be able to share this with them. Still not sure if I want to share it with my in-laws though. (Don't get me wrong, I love and care about them, but I am nervous about how it will reflect on me.) I hate the stigma that goes with having PPD or anxiety or any other mental illness.

Ever since getting pregnant I have had to let go of my practice and what I thought it was. I had to rethink what it is to practice completely within your own body and not let others influence you, while in the room and in every day activities. I should be embracing my body, loving every new curve. Exploring the new openness of my hips and taking note of the new limitations of my hamstrings. Starting over in some postures while advancing in others. So what if my clothes do not fit the way they used to. I have a beautiful daughter in replace of my abs. Abs I can get again with hard work and dedication, but there is only one beautiful little girl staring up at me and smiling.

I should also be embracing my mind with the same love and affection. I have been ignoring the importance of positive thinking and  building up the strength of my mind again. It sure did take a toll there for a while but I think its coming back.

My current goal is to work on the inner me. Make 'me' a priority. Change every single negative thought into a positive and its time to finally start practicing what I preach! Embrace this exact moment. Forgot anything and everything else. For in this moment, there is nothing else.

What is the next step...

So, I have thought long and hard about where to go from here. Now that I have admitted I have PPD I was not sure where/what to write about next. So I have decided to write about well, whats been going on. How I have been feeling, how I am reacting to this whole new perspective and of course the daily happenings.

I find myself second guessing my self. I will have conversations with just me talking about whether my feelings are legit, or if its just the PPD. I have been struggling with these thoughts in one way or another for quite some time now. I just kept telling myself that I am I feeling this way because I am over emotional or am I justified. Almost every dilemma was handled in this manner. I felt like I was loosing my mind, and I was convinced that if my husband knew he would be scared and not know what to do. I had/have a lot of fear.

Last night I was having just this conversation with me and my PPD that I finally broke down. I explained to my husband exactly what had been going on inside and how I have been struggling. How scared I have been and how I really needed to know that this was 'normal'. You see, I also have anxiety. I have been really good about dealing with it ever since I met with a therapist years ago. She taught me so much and really helped to improve my life. Between yoga, hockey and keeping a journal I have been doing really good (for almost 10 years). Now with all of this I sometimes feel like I am back to square one. Nothing wrong with that, but just like my yoga practice I feel like a beginner again, I guess its helping to keep the ego in check:) 

Its interesting for me to relate this whole thing of learning how to deal with PPD to learning a new pose. When I am in class and something new comes up or I can feel when my body is ready for an advancement and I can get into the right mindset. Remembering to take it slow, saying to myself its ok to fall, and that by falling I am finding my edge and learning where and what I can do.
So if I was to relate that theory to PPD, its ok when I have an attack (or episode or whatever you want to call it). Its ok to try different coping techniques. I am still learning what works for me. 

Some days I can be in class and have everything go right, smooth transitions, stillness, focus, calm breath and strength, peace and beauty. Balance on every level. Some days my regular 'easy' postures are the 'hard' ones and the hard ones are the easy ones. And other days still when I just need to lie down the whole class. Today is a good day. I felt very productive at work, I had a wonderful evening with my daughter and husband and I overcame the urge to hide back into my shell. I still have the conflicting feelings but today I overpowered them, just like in tree pose (Vrksasana) how you need to find the balance between opening the hips and strength to stand on one foot. So must I keep myself open to new feelings but be strong in knowing that I will be OK.

PPD and me

So, it has come to my attention that I have Postpartum Depression. I am still trying to figure out what that means for me.

I love my daughter more than anything in the world. My husband inspires me on a regular basis. I have an amazing job. I think trying to be everything, I have lost the true core of who I am. I am by no means suicidal, nor do I have ill thoughts towards my daughter (not that it doesn't happen, nor is wrong, just not in my case). If my daughter reads this by some strange fluke, then I want her to know that this is not her fault! Its no ones fault really. It would be my fault if I did nothing about it, and kept going about my gloomy miserable way. I refuse to let this take over me any longer!

I am not a doctor, nor do I say that what I am doing is how everyone should handle PPD, but this is what I am going to do. Write about it, get back to my normal routine and start enjoying life again. I truely hope that with some dedication and hard ass work, I can do this. Climb out of this hole that I have dug and start living in the light again.

Reflecting about this, and whether I wanted to post it has plagued me. I am not sure how I feel about it. But, ever the advocate for mental health awareness and acceptance I will post it. To my friends and family who may or may not read this, please know that I am ok. I have an incredible spouse and I will make it. I have tried to handle this on my own (not knowing what I was handling...) but now that I do, I am being open and honest. All I ask for in return is time to heal. I have not told many people face to face or rather many people at all. I myself am still wrapping my own head around it.

I relate so much of what goes on in my life through the music I listen to and this is no exception. On so many levels this song just hits home. Florence and the Machince - No light no light 
The video...for no other reason other then simply...she is amazing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGH-4jQZRcc