What is the next step...

So, I have thought long and hard about where to go from here. Now that I have admitted I have PPD I was not sure where/what to write about next. So I have decided to write about well, whats been going on. How I have been feeling, how I am reacting to this whole new perspective and of course the daily happenings.

I find myself second guessing my self. I will have conversations with just me talking about whether my feelings are legit, or if its just the PPD. I have been struggling with these thoughts in one way or another for quite some time now. I just kept telling myself that I am I feeling this way because I am over emotional or am I justified. Almost every dilemma was handled in this manner. I felt like I was loosing my mind, and I was convinced that if my husband knew he would be scared and not know what to do. I had/have a lot of fear.

Last night I was having just this conversation with me and my PPD that I finally broke down. I explained to my husband exactly what had been going on inside and how I have been struggling. How scared I have been and how I really needed to know that this was 'normal'. You see, I also have anxiety. I have been really good about dealing with it ever since I met with a therapist years ago. She taught me so much and really helped to improve my life. Between yoga, hockey and keeping a journal I have been doing really good (for almost 10 years). Now with all of this I sometimes feel like I am back to square one. Nothing wrong with that, but just like my yoga practice I feel like a beginner again, I guess its helping to keep the ego in check:) 

Its interesting for me to relate this whole thing of learning how to deal with PPD to learning a new pose. When I am in class and something new comes up or I can feel when my body is ready for an advancement and I can get into the right mindset. Remembering to take it slow, saying to myself its ok to fall, and that by falling I am finding my edge and learning where and what I can do.
So if I was to relate that theory to PPD, its ok when I have an attack (or episode or whatever you want to call it). Its ok to try different coping techniques. I am still learning what works for me. 

Some days I can be in class and have everything go right, smooth transitions, stillness, focus, calm breath and strength, peace and beauty. Balance on every level. Some days my regular 'easy' postures are the 'hard' ones and the hard ones are the easy ones. And other days still when I just need to lie down the whole class. Today is a good day. I felt very productive at work, I had a wonderful evening with my daughter and husband and I overcame the urge to hide back into my shell. I still have the conflicting feelings but today I overpowered them, just like in tree pose (Vrksasana) how you need to find the balance between opening the hips and strength to stand on one foot. So must I keep myself open to new feelings but be strong in knowing that I will be OK.

PPD and me

So, it has come to my attention that I have Postpartum Depression. I am still trying to figure out what that means for me.

I love my daughter more than anything in the world. My husband inspires me on a regular basis. I have an amazing job. I think trying to be everything, I have lost the true core of who I am. I am by no means suicidal, nor do I have ill thoughts towards my daughter (not that it doesn't happen, nor is wrong, just not in my case). If my daughter reads this by some strange fluke, then I want her to know that this is not her fault! Its no ones fault really. It would be my fault if I did nothing about it, and kept going about my gloomy miserable way. I refuse to let this take over me any longer!

I am not a doctor, nor do I say that what I am doing is how everyone should handle PPD, but this is what I am going to do. Write about it, get back to my normal routine and start enjoying life again. I truely hope that with some dedication and hard ass work, I can do this. Climb out of this hole that I have dug and start living in the light again.

Reflecting about this, and whether I wanted to post it has plagued me. I am not sure how I feel about it. But, ever the advocate for mental health awareness and acceptance I will post it. To my friends and family who may or may not read this, please know that I am ok. I have an incredible spouse and I will make it. I have tried to handle this on my own (not knowing what I was handling...) but now that I do, I am being open and honest. All I ask for in return is time to heal. I have not told many people face to face or rather many people at all. I myself am still wrapping my own head around it.

I relate so much of what goes on in my life through the music I listen to and this is no exception. On so many levels this song just hits home. Florence and the Machince - No light no light 
The video...for no other reason other then simply...she is amazing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGH-4jQZRcc

Acceptance turns to misalignment

As I grew I began to understand what so many women and men for that matter would call the beauty of being pregnant. I felt incredible and had incredible energy! Aside from a few aches and pains that my Chiropractor was able to take care of...I was awesome! Working 40 - 50 hours a week and still teaching I felt like a wonder women.

Until it all crashed. I went in for a routine check up and my doctor told me I had to stop working for fear of going into early labour. I was 30 weeks along. I was angry with my doctor. I loved my job and thought I was doing well. She explained it as 'a little too well as the baby thinks it is time to be born'. And looking back...I was working too hard but my body (up until then) showed no signs! I had to stop everything cold turkey. (Having put a lot of personal value in my job, this was shocking to say the least)

I began to feel lost at this point. And it was a turning point for me....in many aspects. It was after this occurred that my boss emailed me (not even a week of being away from my job), letting me know that when I came back from mat leave, that my services as a manager were no longer needed, but they still wanted me to teach. Heart broken...I replied no thanks. I had been offered another job and was going to turn it down, when this all happened...I accepted it. Which meant moving.

As any yogi or yogini would know, being in a posture and having proper alignment is key to being safe in your posture. Having body awareness comes with time, as beginners, mirrors can be used to help. It was as if a virtual clothe had covered my mirror and replaced it with a terrible image of who I perceived myself to be. I could no longer see myself and how out of alignment I had become.

I had hit a brick wall...and didn't make it through the other side. I began to shut down.

However, f you knew me, you wouldn't have known it.  I think I had fooled everyone until recently...now that my daughter is 5 months old. It is time to talk truth. 

As my pregnancy progressed I started thinking about how many things were changing all around me. Good things and bad. I noticed my practice taking new challenges, and previous challenges becoming easy as my body changed. It was starting over again on knowing my body. It was as if I was just taking my first class again. Letting go of what I could do before and accepting where I was, was very challenging. My ego had increased to levels I was completely unaware of. Here I was thinking I was a humble yogi and then take away my practice and I was lost!


I had to start practicing what I preach on a deep deep level. How many times have I said in a class or to a student 'don't pay any attention to what others are doing. Accept your own body for where it is in this particular moment'. Wow...CHALLENGE!
 
Remembering back, what I think was the hardest was that I had students who didn't know I was expecting, seeing me take breaks in class and all the while I was thinking that they would think less of me. So much to reflect and learn from this period of my life.

Preggers

So I got a head of myself again on the last post.

I first started noticing that I wasn't feeling well. A little bloated, kinda sick feeling. I really noticed something wasn't right when I was demonstrating down dog and started to feel light headed. Like really light headed, I knew I needed to sit down right away (not normal for me to EVER sit down while teaching a class). So I causually, slowly sat down...as it if was completely normal for me. It was only 5 minutes into the 60 minute class that I was teaching and I knew something wasn't right. Silly me, thought I was coming down with a cold.

This happened a few more times before I said anyhting to co-workers. Causually my co-worker said in her cheerful early twently something way "You're pregnant" and just kept walkign back to the storage room. I stopped dead in my tracks. No...I couldn't be...I had my period just the other....ohh hmmm wait a minute....am I?

Her little off hand comment stayed with me through my last class of the day before heading home to talk with my husband. When I got home I mentioned to him how I had been feeling and that something wasn't right. He said right away, lets go get a test. We did...

I still remember the look on his face when I came around the corner to say that "yes, we are pregnant!". I had tears in my eyes as we huged and danced around the room! It was so very special!

This all happened on a Thursday night and Saturday I was going to take prenatal and post natal yoga teacher training. It was such perfect timing! I was able to share my joy with everyone around me and get some really great insight about what to expect over the next 9 months. Its amazing how things just happen!

Alright, alright, alright... so its been a while...SORRY. I am not going to pretend that it won't happen again...coz lets me honest, it might!  :) I am however going to recap what has been going on since the last update.

This is going to take some time. Not just to type it up, but to remember everything!
Alright fist thing first.... I am now a Mommy!

Shortly after my last blog (about a month or less) we found out we were expecting our first child. My husband and I have always wanted children and knew at some point in our life it was going to happen one way or another and well, we were blessed !!!

Before I jump ahead too much, I am going to try and remember my pregnancy. Partly because it was an incredible time in my life and I am going to share as much as I can, so that I can look back on this one day, and who knows maybe someone will enjoy reading about it.

So many people have told me, when the time is right it will happen. YOU may not think it is the right time, but your body and the baby feel differently. That was exactly how it was for me. I had been teaching for a while at that point working really hard on my own practice as well. A known side effect from working so hard is getting to be in the best shape of my life! I felt incredible, I looked incredible and I was on a high from living the life I wanted! The perfect vessel for a little one to be created in.

As happy as I was, I was scared, and unsure. Something I have wanted for so long was now happening and I wanted to push pause! This is hard to write as many Moms don't seem to want to talk about it, but I was struggling with being excited. My husband was over the moon, but I was still mourning my body, fearful of how my job was going to work out, and scared of the incredible task that lay ahead.

To say the least, I was struggling. It wasn't until I was at the 'safe' term and I was telling co-workers, students and friends that I began to get excited. I was teaching about 14 classes a week at this point. Cut back from 17...I felt like I had taken a step in the right direction but I still wasn't one hundred percent committed. This little baby inside of me was much loved but I was still struggling with the exterior. Accepting how I was going to change my appearance forever was a challenge. I didn't realize how vain I was (and still am...but I am working on it)

Wow...long time no write

When I first started this little blog I had just started teaching yoga and I was having a little bit of an identity crisis. I have always lead an active lifestyle but that normally involved a team sport. I grew up playing Ringette, Soccer and Hockey. I continued to play hockey through university and even afterwards with my work. After moving to the southern US I had to find a new outlet. Not many
teams for a girl to play on.

Hot yoga was so far from my mind that it took my good friend 4 months to convince me to attend a class. (90 mins sounded like an eternity)I can never thank her enough! Yoga has completely opened my life to new things, better understanding and best of all a clearer mind.

The troubles I faced after finding my love for yoga was figuring out how to balance my love of sports with my passion for yoga. Sports allowed me to be competitive and get out my aggressions. Yoga provided me with the tools to be calm, peaceful, relax, let go and be in the moment. Yoga believes (among other things) in no harm (ahimsa) how on earth can I be a yogi who loves to play/watch hockey!?!?!

These totally contrasting views caused a lot of confusion in me. Trying to figure out which one was the real me. Thinking I had to choose between one or other. Silly yogi...no one is perfect. I am me. I love hockey, football and being competitive. But I also love the time on my mat, with me, myself and I. Quiet music playing or silence. I love listening to a teacher tell me what to do next, or just going with what my body feels like doing at that exact moment. (Teaching yoga is an entirely different feeling, I will talk about this another day)  This ying and yang I have within is exactly what makes me, me. I am embracing this now.

So the name yoga + hockey = me    means so much more!

Anyways, just felt the urge to talk about that a little.