What is the next step...

So, I have thought long and hard about where to go from here. Now that I have admitted I have PPD I was not sure where/what to write about next. So I have decided to write about well, whats been going on. How I have been feeling, how I am reacting to this whole new perspective and of course the daily happenings.

I find myself second guessing my self. I will have conversations with just me talking about whether my feelings are legit, or if its just the PPD. I have been struggling with these thoughts in one way or another for quite some time now. I just kept telling myself that I am I feeling this way because I am over emotional or am I justified. Almost every dilemma was handled in this manner. I felt like I was loosing my mind, and I was convinced that if my husband knew he would be scared and not know what to do. I had/have a lot of fear.

Last night I was having just this conversation with me and my PPD that I finally broke down. I explained to my husband exactly what had been going on inside and how I have been struggling. How scared I have been and how I really needed to know that this was 'normal'. You see, I also have anxiety. I have been really good about dealing with it ever since I met with a therapist years ago. She taught me so much and really helped to improve my life. Between yoga, hockey and keeping a journal I have been doing really good (for almost 10 years). Now with all of this I sometimes feel like I am back to square one. Nothing wrong with that, but just like my yoga practice I feel like a beginner again, I guess its helping to keep the ego in check:) 

Its interesting for me to relate this whole thing of learning how to deal with PPD to learning a new pose. When I am in class and something new comes up or I can feel when my body is ready for an advancement and I can get into the right mindset. Remembering to take it slow, saying to myself its ok to fall, and that by falling I am finding my edge and learning where and what I can do.
So if I was to relate that theory to PPD, its ok when I have an attack (or episode or whatever you want to call it). Its ok to try different coping techniques. I am still learning what works for me. 

Some days I can be in class and have everything go right, smooth transitions, stillness, focus, calm breath and strength, peace and beauty. Balance on every level. Some days my regular 'easy' postures are the 'hard' ones and the hard ones are the easy ones. And other days still when I just need to lie down the whole class. Today is a good day. I felt very productive at work, I had a wonderful evening with my daughter and husband and I overcame the urge to hide back into my shell. I still have the conflicting feelings but today I overpowered them, just like in tree pose (Vrksasana) how you need to find the balance between opening the hips and strength to stand on one foot. So must I keep myself open to new feelings but be strong in knowing that I will be OK.